


Academy Rules

by Catkween27



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Funny, itsquarantineandimbored
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23945290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catkween27/pseuds/Catkween27
Summary: A list of rules for the Academy of unseen arts
Comments: 18
Kudos: 26





	1. On personal conduct

**Author's Note:**

> I’m bored in quarantine and this is the result.

Academy rules.

This list is provided by Ms Hilda Spellman with the approval of Directrix and high Priestess, Zelda Spellman 

Section 1: on personal conduct 

1\. Contrary to popular belief, keeping everyone up with your personal rendition of various Disney musicals, is  not  beneficial 

2\. Practicing magick is fine, studying in the library is fine, enchanting the books to shout obscenities however, is not

3\. Per Zelda’s request: reading  Buxomand the Beast  is no longer allowed on school property. Zelda has asked to let you know that she does not care about the political correctness of banning a book. This one is banned and you are not allowed to start a club to protest this

4\. You are not permitted to start betting pools on how long it will take Sabrina to get us into another mess, you all know it shouldn’t be more than a week or two.

5\. The next Person to call Lilith “Madam Satan” will be responsible for the mess

6\. Please stop calling the Hedge Witches “Hedgies” they don’t like it. Gryla has threatened action via the Yule Lads if you don’t stop 

7\. In addition to the above rule where in Hecate’s name did you get fourteen live hedgehogs?!

8\. Though the reasons for this escape me, if you should feel the sudden urge to reenact  Titanic  please do so somewhere other than the great hall, the banisters are not made for this.

9\. Starting a new religion is not acceptable. Neither is worshiping the cutlery.

10\. We fully support your practice of the craft, we do not support cursing your classmates with boils no matter how much they may deserve it. 


	2. On dares and challenges

1\. ... dared me to is not a proper excuse for doing stupid things 

2\. Do not dare Nick to eat a full bottle of ketchup in two minutes. We all know he can and frankly it’s disgusting 

3\. I have been asked to remind you that duels are no longer allowed as the infirmary is not built to patch up gunshot wounds

4\. In response to the above rule: fire arms are no longer permitted on school property 

5\. Daring Lilith to turn you into a toad is not a good idea. Zelda is tired of turning you back

6\. Just because you  can  do something, doesn’t mean you should. Sycorax and Pesta 

7\. To add on to the previous rule: poisoning the water supply is not allowed, and if you do it again we will be forced to evict you

8\. Do not under any circumstances challenge Zelda to a game of chess. She will win, and you will cry 

9\. Rap battles are not good ways of settling personal conflicts. We fear that Nicholas may never recover from the roasting that Lilith gave him last week

10\. Please do not play volleyball indoors. Though it may seem self explanatory, it appears as though an explanation is necessary. Three broken windows and a concussion should not be happening on a daily basis 

11\. Challenging the Yule lads to a dance off is pointless. They’re invisible, and we all know they’re thebetter dancers anyway

12\. You will be held accountable for any damage that your dare to another person has caused 


	3. On relationships

1\. Suggesting that the Weird Sisters are in a polyamorous relationship is discouraged, and I will not reattach any more fingers 

2\. I know that Nick and Sabrina have already gotten back together three times, but please refrain from betting how long they will last. It’s tacky 

3\. Zelda and Marie have asked me to tell you that following them around with a camera is disrespectful, and that the excuse of “it’s for science” is gross and uncalled for

4\. You are not in love with the Green Man, and you are not permitted to stage a wedding with a tree 

5\. Please stop referring to Dr. Cerberus and myself as Beauty and the Beast. Though I love the compliment Dr. Cee is feeling attacked 

5\. Love potions are not allowed. Especially since none of you know how to make one correctly. 

6\. Since this apparently needs to be emphasized: DO NOT USE THE BATHROOM TO MAKE ILLEGAL POTIONS! The results are seldom good

7\. Again, Zelda and Marie have asked you to respect their privacy, and have threatened to confine you to your bed if you do not stop

8\. We encourage you to find love. We do not however encourage handcuffing your classmates together because “you ship them” 

9\. Do not ask Lilith on a date. Do not ask Lilith to marry you. Do not ask Lilith to be in a purely carnal relationship. The answer will always be no, and you will end up getting injured. Do not ask Grylla either 

10\. Please do not “do it” in public places. Especially not the kitchen. We make food there you know? Zelda and Marie.

11\. I did it for love, is not a valid excuse for stabbing your classmates 


	4. On school work

1\. Handing in a blank sheet of paper and saying you used invisible ink only works once

2\. “A study of ice cream” is not a valid project idea, even though you have managed to convince Dr. Cee that it is for free ice cream 

3\. Please do not do a book report on Fifty Shades of Grey. No one wants to read that

4\. Don’t ask the Yule Lads to do your homework. It is liable to start a fire 

5\. Please do not do a book report on someone else’s diary either 

6\. “My religion forbids it” is not an excuse for not taking a test 

7\. JESUS. Is not the answer to everything

8\. If you are asked to read aloud in class, this is not an invitation to dramatically reenact passages of your textbook 

9\. Textbooks are not to be used as projectiles in classroom warfare


	5. On hobbies and pastimes

1\. Murder is not a hobby. Please consider gardening

2\. If you feel the need to violently stab something, take up needle point

3\. Due to personal injury, needle point is now banned

4\. Mortals are not to be used as “practice”. do you know how many memory charms we’ve had to cast?

5\. I would like to remind Pesta that she is no longer allowed in the garden. It scares the carrots 

6\. When asked what you like to do “feasting on male flesh” is not an appropriate answer, Lilith. We’ve already had too many problems with cannibalism 

7\. If you touch zelda’s newspaper she is,allowed to turn you into her choice of bug for twenty four hours

8\. The same principle applies to Zelda’s cigarettes 

9\. Monopoly is now banned. No one wants to see what happens when Lilith gets boardwalk

10\. Prudence and Sabrina, please stop trying to kill each other by growing poisonous plants. It would be nice if you stopped helping them Pesta

11\. Please refrain from flooding the great hall. If you want to go swimming, go to the lake, Sycorax.

12\. Please refrain from re-enacting your favourite parts of romance novels with your lover. This rule is mainly for myself.

13\. If you are going to disembowel something. Please do so outside, the carpets can’t handle another cleaning

14\. Please don’t lock Grylla in the dungeon. She is not a pet, and we can’t afford to rebuild the foundation again

15\. If you are going to invite wild animals indoors, please don’t feed them from the fridge, we need that for supper

16\. Please stop trying to eat the boys, Lilith. It’s rude

17\. As glad as we are that you’re taking up an instrument, please do not practice the trumpet at three am 

18\. Please don’t attempt to summon a demon in the toilet. It won’t work, and the mess is terrible 


	6. Section six: on personal hygiene

1\. Please limit your shower time to no more than ten minutes. You all know how Zelda gets when there’s no hot water 

2\. Please refrain from sitting in the bathtub contemplating life for three hours. Other people need the bathroom Sycorax

3\. We know you like your grave dirt, Pesta, but it would be appreciated if you took a bath

4\. It should not take you forty five minutes to get shampoo out of your hair, Zelda.

5\. A mud bath does not count as a proper cleansing. Why would you even think that?

6\. As beautiful as your soap carvings are, please don’t use the bathroom soap to make them, it’s already hard enough to get people to wash their hands 

7\. A proper shower lasts at least five minutes and involves the use of soap

8\. Do not ask Marie to take a bath with you. She doesn’t want to. (Unless you’re Zelda)

9\. Due to an injury involving my sister and the above rule, there is now a first aid kit in every bathroom

10\. Speaking of blood, if you are bleeding, get a bandage, do not write a cryptic message on the wall

11\. It’s perfectly fine to have a funeral for your pet, but please do not try to flush a Guinea pig down the toilet


	7. Section seven: on holidays

1\. Lupercalia does not excuse setting forty live doves loose in the academy. They poop everywhere 

2\. We love celebrating birthdays, but not by setting off fireworks in people’s bedrooms. I nearly had a heart attack, Sabrina dear

3\. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES leave sugar unattended during Yule. The lads are bad enough as it is

4\. The next person to sing “ we wish you a merry Christmas” will spend the night in the witches cell. You’ve worshipped Satan most of your lives, why on earth would you sing this!?

5\. Zelda does not like pink. Zelda does not like sparkles. Zelda has a deep hatred of unicorns. Whoever gifted Zelda a pink, sparkly unicorn for her birthday, consider this a death sentence

6\. Do not dress up as Lilith for Halloween. One of her is enough


	8. Section eight: Sabrina

*This section was created entirely for Sabrina Spellman, since a basic grasp of logic seems to escape her*

  1. If Lilith tells you it’s a good idea, do not do it. It is not a good idea



  1. Please limit dramatic breakups with Nick to one per month. As much as we love the drama, it’s getting a bit old.



  1. Zelda doesn’t care that you are the queen of hell, you are expected home for dinner at seven o’clock sharp.



  1. The next time you talk back to your aunt Zelda, it won’t be her you have to worry about



  1. Please return library books intact. Other people want to read them without having to pick through you’re doodles. If I find one more “Mrs. Scratch” written in the margins you are grounded for a month young lady



  1. Stop referring to Faustus Blackwood as your uncle. Zelda is getting angry, and prudence is insulted by the insinuation that you are related 



  1. If you must release the Hordes of Hell, please do so on the weekend. We have slot to do during the week



  1. Please refrain from singing “My Heart Will Go On” in the shower. You can not compare to Miss Dion, so please stop trying



  1. Though Zelda appreciates the gesture, please stop trying to set up a romantic date for her. We’re still cleaning up after your last attempt.



  1. Mortals are not allowed in the academy for a reason, Sabrina. I don’t care if you’re “just trying to make friends” now they’re traumatised 



  1. Miss Wardwell has asked to no longer be your favourite teacher please. She said that Hawthorn is up to the task though



  1. In addition to the above rule: please stop using Miss Wardwell as bait. She doesn’t appreciate it



  1. Singing “crazy in love” whenever Zelda and Marie enter a room together will now land you in the witches cell for three hours 



  1. Please leave your job at home. But that I mean that demons should not be invited to dinner. They have terrible manners 



  1. If you are going to cause an apocalypse, please tell us beforehand so we can prepare 



  1. “Honestly, first Purgatory. Now He’ll. What’s next, heaven?” Should not be taken as encouragement. 



  1. Zelda does not care that you are the queen of hell, the next time you resurrect someone, you’re grounded for a week



  1. Per Lilith’s request: if you have any problems, don’t come to me, I don’t care



  1. Other people live here besides you. If you insist on walking around in your underwear, please make sure no one is home



  1. In addition nick is also asked to make sure the house is empty. Zelda says that she is permanently scarred 



  1. Basic human rights are not a thing in this house. We hear by revoke your right to speak until you have finished your dinner



  1. You are not “the saviour” nor should you refer to yourself as that



  1. We’ve already been over this, but since it hasn’t made an impact... DO NOT TOUCH ZELDA’S NEWSPAPER. Sabrina dear, you know better 



  1. Zelda stands by her right to ground you for “incredible stupidity”



  1. Pleases stop trying to grow weed in my greenhouse 



**Author's Note:**

> Comment and tell me what you think!


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